


careful, my love

by starlightwalking



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Back to Middle-Earth Month, Break Up, Crack Treated Seriously, First Age, Flight of the Noldor, Helcaraxë, M/M, Married in Valinor, Quenya Names, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 20:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18080195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: Just as Tyelko was hasty, Aika was careful. Aika was supposed to be there to calm him down, give him time to reason, and work with him to solve the problem. Only this time, Aika had not been there.





	careful, my love

**Author's Note:**

> Part I of March 8th’s B2MEM prompts [yes I'm behind I know, I hope I can catch up soon!], ’cuz I couldn’t figure out how to mix the two I got together. The bingo square for this fic is Egalmoth of the Heavenly Arch/Celegorm from the crack ships card, but I got way too invested way too fast. Oops! Prepare for a lot of notes.
> 
> For those of you who don't know - and I didn't either, coming in - Egalmoth is the Lord of the House of the Heavenly Arch, one of the Twelve Houses of the Gondolindrim. He has a curved sword, is great with a bow, and his house's flag has a rainbow on it. He survives the Fall of Gondolin and lives in Sirion until he's killed in the Third Kinslaying...and that's pretty much all we know about him. Kind of an obscure character!
> 
> It took me awhile to come up for something for these two (though the real reason this is so late is because I spent so much time on [Father to Son](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18069029)), and I originally wanted to have some sort of sexy escapades in the forest after Aredhel gets separated from her escort while searching for Celegorm & Curufin. Egalmoth was there, and I like the idea of C&C running across her escort just a little too late, so it seemed like the perfect setup. But I couldn’t get anything going, so I settled on “they were married in Aman” instead because, hey! That’s easy and can be fun too. Except that involved me speculating how they ended up separated in Beleriand, and I had wayyy too many ideas to write so I just picked a scene and went for it, and that scene developed into a monster of pre-Beleriand angst. (For more of my thoughts on this ship, see the notes at the end!)  
>  
> 
> Okay, here’s some technical notes:  
> Using Tolkien Gateway, Elfdict, and the Sindarization of Orodreth’s name for reference, I have reverse-engineered a Quenya name for Egalmoth: “Aikamblotsë.” I am not a linguist and thus have probably messed up, but I did my BEST, okay???
> 
> Egalmoth consists of “aeg” (sharp) and “amloth” (lit. helmet shaped like a flower; apparently it’s a kind of Noldorin helmet). The Quenya components are “aika” and “amblotsë,” so from that you get...  
> Aikamblotsë > Aegamloth  
> aika + amblotsë > aeg + amloth  
> Then Tolkien had to go and introduce deletion & metathesis to get the final product of “Egalmoth,” which, fuck you, Prof!!! I’m going to say that happened in the Sindarization process because I’ve already wasted my two brain cells on this name fuckery.  
>  
> 
> Some name headcanons:  
> The Sons of Fëanáro went by their father-names most of the time while in Aman, because those were their first names and what Fëanáro called them. When Nerdanel gave them their mother names (except for Ambarussa, who got their names at birth), she started to call them by those, but it was the father-names that stuck (again, except for Ambarussa). Still, all those -finwë names are a mouthful and redundant when you’re all together, so they’d drop the suffix and just go by Nelyo, Kano, Turco, Moryo, Curvo...& Ambarussa. HOWEVER, since “hasty riser” is not a super flattering name, that’s the kind of thing I would imagine Turcafinwë was teased about (esp. by his older brothers), and thus his mother-name stuck more than the others, and he got called Tyelkormo more often than not, except by Fëanáro. At first that probably annoyed him, but eventually Tyelko accepted it and even started introducing himself to people with that name. So that’s how Egalmoth/Aikamblotsë would’ve known him. Also, since again, Aikamblotsë is a fucking mouthful, he probably went mostly by Aika.
> 
>  
> 
> Since this is pre-Beleriand, all the names are in Quenya. If you’re having trouble remembering (and I know I do sometimes), here’s a quick guide!  
> Aikamblotsë = Aika = Egalmoth || Tyelkormo = Tyelko = Turcafinwë = Celegorm || Curufinwë = Curvo = Curufin || Fëanáro = Fëanor || Nolofinwë = Fingolfin || Arafinwë = Finarfin || Nelyafinwë = Nelyo = Maedhros || Turukáno = Turgon || Findekáno = Fingon || Arakáno = Argon || Írissë = Aredhel
> 
> Enjoy!

Aikamblotsë missed his voice, his brash confidence turned gruff and sweet in their bed. Aikamblotsë missed his touch, both the rough lovemaking and the gentle, casual good-morning kisses. Aikamblotsë missed his scent, even when the earthy woodsmoke smell was overpowered by wet dog. Aikamblotsë missed  _him_ , and he hated himself for it.

Aikamblotsë loved and despised his husband in equal measure. And now, upon the Grinding Ice, dominated by fear and loneliness and betrayal, hatred overtook his marriage bond.

He shivered in the cold, and cursed Tyelkormo's name. Such an utterance only made him weep further quick-freezing tears, until all he could think of was how such awful doom had fallen upon him.

* * *

Tyelko had left with his father—of course he had. It was in his nature to rush in, to get angry, to be passionately proud of his family. Aika didn't blame him for that. He accepted that as part of his Tyelko when he married him, and he expected nothing less from his husband.

But just as Tyelko was hasty, Aika was careful. Aika was supposed to be there to calm him down, give him time to reason, and work with him to solve the problem.

Only this time, Aika had not been there.

He had been with his family, among the contingent of Nolofinwë, and he'd only heard of what happened from others. Threats, murder, theft... As an honorary Fëanorian himself, Aikamblotsë was enraged. He would have been the first of Nolofinwë's people to rally to Fëanáro's side, there to temper Tyelkormo's rashness with a more calculated fury.

But he was not there. And before he could dissuade Tyelko and Curvo, ever the most faithful to their father, from taking a dreadful Oath in haste, the deed had been done. The rest of Fëanáro's sons had followed the most loyal, and there was no turning back.

Still, Aika would follow Fëanáro at Tyelko's side. He could scold Tyelko later, when they were in private, but he loved his husband. Of course he would follow them, and fight alongside them. He was an excellent shot, and he wielded a curved blade that was devastating when he and Tyelko hunted with Oromë. It could kill Morgoth's spawn just as well as beasts.

Aika tried so hard to find his husband, but all was chaos, and Fëanáro had ordered his people to not let any Nolofinwëan, lord or servant, near him. Aika protested: he was a Fëanorian! He was wed to one of Fëanáro's sons! But the guards separating the hosts of Nolofinwë and Fëanáro refused. To them, he was an outsider.

Aika cursed and wept, missing Tyelko bitterly and worrying about what he and his family planned. Nerdanel had abandoned them, as had the wives of Nolofinwë and Arafinwë: the Fëanorians needed counsel more than ever, and Aikamblotsë could have provided it.

* * *

The Noldor traveled for months. In all this time, Aika did not see his husband, though he was permitted to send a message to Tyelko. The reply he received was brief and troubling, but assured him that Tyelko missed him as well and thought of him always. Aika kept the letter by his heart, and rallied his friends and family among Nolofinwë's people to true support of Fëanáro instead of the reluctant obedience of their king.

Too late, Aikamblotsë realized he had been blinded by love. Too late, he realized that Nolofinwë had been right to hesitate. Too late, he realized that separation and proximity to madness had warped even his lovely Tylekormo into doing horrific things. Aika had not been careful enough.

The destruction and violence at Alqualondë was terrible. Aika was horrified by the Kinslaying, horrified that the Teleri would incite such bloodshed, horrified that he himself took part in murdering his kin. He was even  _more_  horrified to hear that it was Fëanáro who had started the attack, and that all who supported the Noldor had been in the wrong.

Aika had always been a bit afraid of his father-in-law, but now he saw that he should have been  _more_  wary of Fëanáro. He knew that Tyelko was ruthless and loyal to a fault, and that accepting Fëanáro was part of loving him, but he should have done something to prevent this instead of turning a blind eye to Fëanáro's irrationality.

At last, he caught up to Tyelko. There was still several years' journey before the Host of the Noldor was to arrive in Middle-earth, and he refused to be separated from his husband any longer. He convinced and threatened the guards to allow him audience with Fëanáro, and his father-in-law immediately agreed to let him see Tyelko. There was no haze of guilt or regret in Fëanáro's eyes, but he was not so cruel as to drive them apart any longer.

Aika wept and cursed Tyelko, before falling into his arms. They were together again: that was all that mattered. He could forgive everything, in time, as long as they were together.

"Aika, my Aika," Tyelko murmured, holding him with a strength Aika had missed. "I love you, Aika."

They wasted no time making up for what they had lost, pushing the hard conversations down the road. Aika was the careful one, but even he hungered for Tyelko's affection after so long a separation. He allowed himself to be hasty, just this once.

They whiled away a month together as the Host of the Noldor traveled, and things seemed to be on the mend. That was, until Tyelkormo came to him one day with guilt in his downcast eyes.

"My father..." Tyelko gritted his teeth. "I told him it was unreasonable, but he made me promise I would ask."

Aika crossed his arms, fear bubbling in his stomach. "What is it?"

"Father needs a spy in Nolofinwë's ranks," Tyelko said reluctantly. "He wants to ensure their loyalty. He thinks—he thinks you are the right choice."

Aika closed his eyes. Rage would have blinded him anyway. "No."

"I told him you'd say that." Tyelko took him in his powerful arms and kissed him. "I don't want to miss you anymore."

Aika kissed him back, but his mind had begun to whir. "Why me?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter," Tyelko murmured, "you're not doing it."

Aika wriggled free of his husband's embrace. "I want to know."

Tyelko sighed. "You have family among Nolofinwë's people. You are one of them, and you belong there. Any of my father's people would be easy to spot. But you...you served Turukáno, did you not?"

"Yes," Aika said. "He still holds me in good standing."

"If Turukáno trusts you, Nolofinwë will trust you," Tyelko explained. "And you have an excuse to visit Fëanáro to give him information—me."

The idea had begun to make sense. Aikamblotsë nodded. "But why does he need a spy?"

"Father is suspicious," Tyelko said. He lowered his voice, as if all he had said before was not as sensitive as what he spoke now. Aika smiled; he loved his silly husband. "He thinks Nolofinwë will try to usurp him or turn the people against him, and return to Aman."

"But why would Nolofinwë follow him thus far if he planned to return?" Aika wondered.

"That's something you'd find out," Tyelko said. He paused. "I have to admit, Father's choice in you is sound. Not that I want you gone."

Aika pondered some more. "I must give this further thought," he decided. "If Fëanáro's suspicion is correct, that is indeed something to worry about. And if it is not, perhaps we could mend the relationship."

Tyelko snorted. "Father and Nolofinwë, getting along? I doubt it."

"But it does not need to be  _this_  bad," Aika countered. "I would be happier if both our peoples cooperated. I love you, Tyelko, but I do miss my family too."

"Don't leave me," Tyelko whined, and Aika laughed.

"I'd visit often," he teased. "Don't worry."

* * *

Aikamblotsë thought Fëanáro's proposition over for a month before making his final decision. He analyzed the situation carefully, and realized that it was better for everyone if he agreed. Thus, he kissed Tyelko goodbye and returned to his family.

They were glad to see him returned, and Turukáno welcomed him back warmly. Aika told him and Nolofinwë that Fëanáro had made an exception for him in allowing him to travel between each of the hosts, because of his great love for Tyelko.

"And if I am to be between the two hosts," he said, glancing sideways to Nolofinwë, "perhaps I could be of use to my people. I could tell you what Fëanáro is thinking, and warn you if he plans to do anything rash."

This was a test: if Nolofinwë agreed, Aika would  _know_  that he was planning something. He could play the double agent, and stop any mischief before it began. And if he was shocked by such a proposition, all the better—it was one step closer to mending the divide between brothers.

Nolofinwë paused. "I do not wish for a spy in my brother's court," he said at last. "But, Aikamblotsë, if you  _do_  hear something concerning...I would be grateful of a warning, so we might prepare if necessary."

A mixed response. Aika noted this as he agreed to Nolofinwë's words. There was not outright rebellion, but resentment was there. Perhaps he could be of use to both of them, and not truly be a spy, but a messenger. Perhaps—he would have to be careful.

* * *

The Doom of Mandos shook everyone to the core. A third of the Host of the Noldor turned back, but it was not Nolofinwë who deserted, but Arafinwë. Aika, despite his fears, did not go. He was tied to Tyelko, and there was nothing left for him in Aman without his husband.

The wind became cold as they trudged further northward, and the relationship between Fëanáro and Nolofinwë grew icier still. Despite all he tried, Aika could not force the brothers to reconcile. His visits to Turukáno became longer and longer, his reports to Fëanáro and the nights spent with Tyelko ever-briefer. Fëanáro wanted to know more, more, more—until Aika could not stand the secrecy, and confessed his role to Nolofinwë.

"I cannot say I am surprised," Nolofinwë admitted after a period of silence. "I knew he would do such a thing. I am disappointed, however, that you would betray our trust, Aikamblotsë."

"I thought it was for the good of us all, my lord," Aika replied. He would not be cowed by this grand lord of the Noldor: his own husband was a prince. "I worry I was wrong."

"You've served us faithfully," Turukáno assured him. "Thank you for telling us."

"Faithful!" Arakáno scoffed. His father silenced him with a glare.

"Will you serve us now in full?" Nolofinwë asked. "You may still be loyal to your heart."

"My heart is with Tyelkormo," Aika said immediately. He bowed his head. "But...my better judgement is with you, my lord."

"Excellent," Turukáno exclaimed. "A double agent!"

"Send my love to your husband," Írissë teased with a wink. "He is my favorite cousin."

"I'll be sure to tell Curufinwë that." Aika smirked. He was fond of Nolofinwë and his children. Turukáno was a good master, Arakáno was honest if blunt, and Írissë was a good friend to Tyelko. Nolofinwë had a good head on his shoulders, and rationality that Fëanáro lacked. Of them all, only Findekáno stayed silent, watching Aika carefully. If the rumors about him and Nelyafinwë were true, perhaps such quiet was wise on his part.

* * *

Aika didn't tell Tyelko about his new role. He was worried about his husband. As they drew further northward, Fëanáro and his sons spent more time cooped up together, plotting their next move. Aika was afraid Fëanáro no longer trusted him, though he had been careful not to let his change in loyalties slip.

"Is something wrong, love?" Tyelko asked on one of the few nights they had together these days.

"No," Aika lied. It felt like all he did was lie—to Fëanáro, to Tyelko, to Nolofinwë sometimes. Especially to himself.

He folded his clothes and turned over the new intelligence in his mind. Fëanáro had not seen him personally; he had reported all his carefully-crafted falsehoods to Nelyafinwë instead. Findekáno would find that disturbing... And there was something going on in the supply wagon. Weapon stockpiling, he guessed.

But that was far from the most important thing: he had just discovered that Fëanáro was preparing to leave the shores of Aman in the boats of the Teleri, and that he would be taking the journey with his people alone at first. Even Turukáno would be furious at thiat.

"Are you leaving already?" Tyelko got up and walked over, hugging him from behind. "Aika, I'm worried about you. You're taking this job too seriously."

Aika sighed. "I'm worried about you, too," he admitted. "Your father..."

"Don't," Tyelko warned, and Aika fell silent. Fëanáro had become a topic they could not speak on for the sake of keeping their marriage together. Sometimes, Aika wondered if he was being  _too_  careful: a little haste in his words could lay bare many secrets, and they could  _deal_  with their problems instead of dancing around them.

"Yes, I'm leaving," Aika said. "Tomorrow morning. Nelyo asked me to stay behind while you sail, so I can make sure Nolofinwë doesn't rebel while Fëanáro is gone."

"Be quiet about that information," Tyelko warned.

"My lips are sealed," Aika promised. No—he lied.

"I'll miss you." Tyelko nipped at his neck, and Aika stiffened. "I always do, when you're gone. You...keep me grounded."

"I'll miss you too," Aika said, turning around to kiss his husband. By the Valar who had forsaken them, he loved this man. Despite everything, he could not regret marrying Turcafinwë Tyelkormo, son of Fëanáro.

The kissing turned more passionate, and that last night was spent the way only a couple about to separate can spend it.

That was the last time Aika made love to his husband.

* * *

"Aikamblotsë!" roared Nolofinwë. Terrified, Aika sank to his knees before the prince. It was not often that Nolofinwë lost his temper, and his anger was fearsome to behold. "Aikamblotsë, did you know of this?"

"No," Aika sobbed, barely able to contain his own grief and betrayal. "No, I swear it, my lord!"

"The ships have burnt! We are stranded here!" Nolofinwë growled. "Aikamblotsë, if you are lying to me—"

"Why would he lie?" Findekáno cut in, his voice shaking. "His husband has left him. If he knew, do you think he would be here?"

"You only come to his defense because  _you_ —" Arakáno began with a snarl, but Findekáno slapped him into silence. The echo of the blow hung in the air as everyone stared at him.

"I defend him because I am  _right_ ," Findekáno said, deadly soft. "We have  _all_  been abandoned. We must work together now. There is no other way."

"We have to return," Turukáno said bleakly. "There's no way across the sea without the ships."

"The Teleri will not—" Írissë protested, but Turukáno shook his head.

"I mean, all the way back, and face the Valar's judgement," he said. "Perhaps they will be merciful, as they were to Arafinwë."

"We don't  _know_  if they were merciful to Arafinwë," Írissë argued.

"Silence." Nolofinwë put a hand to his brow, looking older than Aika had ever seen him. "We will press on."

"Press  _on_?" Arakáno snapped, shocked out of his humiliation. "How?"

"Helcaraxë," Findekáno said grimly. He exchanged a look with his father: they had discussed this before now, ever suspicious of Fëanáro. "There is a way across. That is how Morgoth escaped with the Silmarils."

"Are you mad?" Aika interrupted. "We shall all perish on the ice!"

"Do you want to see Tyelkormo again?" Findekáno asked, and Aika had no answer. He did not know: the shock of abandonment was too fresh. Findekáno took his silence as a yes, parallel to his own longing for Nelyafinwë, and nodded as if he had won.

"It is settled, then," Nolofinwë said. "We set out for Helcaraxë in the morning. Írissë, Arakáno, spread the word. Findekáno, come with me. Turukáno...take care of Aikamblotsë. He is your servant now."

"Come," Turukáno said, offering Aika a hand. "Don't think of me as master. We are all friends now in our suffering."

* * *

Friends in suffering, Turukáno had said. Aika laughed hollowly, forcing himself to rise to his feet in the bitter cold. Yes, that was true. Now, halfway across the ice, there was no pretense of servitude. Everyone worked together, or else they died. All of Aika's family had perished; Turukáno's wife had died, and his child nearly had; countless other bodies littered the ice and fell into the depths of the freezing ocean.

All of the love in Aika's heart had been extinguished here on the Grinding Ice. Whatever excuses or affection he had once held for his hateful, hasty husband were no more. Tyelko was a traitor, Fëanáro and his people worse than even Morgoth to abandon them to such a dreadful fate.

If Aikamblotsë survived Helcaraxë, he  _would_  see Tyelkormo again. He would smell Tyelko's scent, feel his flesh—but all that he would sense would be fear and fury as he shared the smallest piece of his life with his once-husband, a small taste of this awful suffering he endured now.

They once had been united: no more. Aikamblotsë stumbled forward, searching for Turukáno in the snow. If he lived to reach Middle-earth, all his loyalty was for his  _friend_ , the man who stood by him. He saved nothing else for Tyelkormo, faithless and flighty.

Aika rued his wedding day. He should not have been so hasty in his marriage.

**Author's Note:**

> ...and then when they did meet up again, Egalmoth bitch-slaps his husband and divorces him without giving him another chance. Harsh, I know, but when you hurt a patient man, he’s slow to forgive, and Aika lost a lot on the Ice. I imagine him and Fingon could bond over being abandoned by a son of Fëanor, but Fingon and Maedhros are wayyy more the hopeless romantic type, and also I think Fingon just never gave up on Mae, especially not when he found out Mae was the only one who objected to burning the ships. Aika’s resentment would only grow once he realized Tyelko had fully approved of that act, already too caught up in the Oath to think of his husband.
> 
> Egalmoth would then serve Fingolfin’s people, always avoiding the Fëanorians at political gatherings, and he would be one of the first volunteers to help Turgon build a secret city where he’d never have to see his ex. He moves to Gondolin, becomes lord of the House of the Heavenly Arch, remarries and gets up to some very gay shit in his very gay rainbow House, and becomes fabulously wealthy. 
> 
> Think of that scene in the forest I mentioned up top as a painful encounter no one expected. Egalmoth was very against Aredhel seeking out her cousins instead of Fingon, but like, what was he gonna do? Abandon her? Not likely. Then when they get separated, they run into Celegorm again and Egalmoth has a lot of angst with him, idk the specifics, and they maybe have a bit of sexy times. I like the idea of Egalmoth being the hasty one in that scenario, mmm- delicious irony! Then he gets home and feels horribly guilty and spends the time from then until the Fall of Gondolin rebuilding his relationship with his new husband. He survives the Fall and lives in Sirion, until he’s killed by his former brothers-in-law in the Third Kinslaying...though at that point, Celegorm would already be dead from the Second Kinslaying in Doriath. Yikes.
> 
> Going into this, I didn’t even know who Egalmoth was (The Fall of Gondolin is sitting on my bookshelf gathering dust while I read books for school...), and I had mostly negative feelings toward Celegorm. After this, I’m fond of the characterization I’ve given Egalmoth though I still am not sure how accurate it is. (He is very gay though, his house is the “Heavenly Arch” and represented by a /rainbow/, c’mon! And his sword is the only one that ~isn’t straight~ of all the Noldor. I see you, JIRT!!) And I think I might have to stan Celegorm now too, because this fic made me realize that he fits into the category of “Big Muscles, Bigger Heart” which is one of my very favorite character types!!
> 
> Also, I didn’t realize that it took several years for the Host of the Noldor to get to Beleriand! In my head it was weeks, maybe months, but nope. I mean, I knew the crossing of Helcaraxë took a long time, but I thought the journey to the coast wasn’t that long. This really put things into perspective!
> 
> This ship has veered from being “crack” to “...actually I have a lot of feelings and not enough time to write about these two.” Oof. I would have loved to write all these ideas out, but I’m already very behind in B2MEM, and this got longer than I wanted as-is! Hope you enjoyed this fic of Aika and Tyelko, and then my ramblings about them :)
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/).


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